


In Matters of Life and Death

by DoctorsOrders



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death In Dream, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fear of Abandonment, Fear of loss, Gen, Guilt, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 22:38:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5473121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorsOrders/pseuds/DoctorsOrders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The nightmares about losing Jim won't stop, even when Jim is beside him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Matters of Life and Death

**Author's Note:**

> Here have some feelings that I wrote because I couldn't get them to leave me alone!
> 
> inspired by this [this](http://kaztial-does-art.tumblr.com/post/135557169371/one-more-mckirk-interlude-inspired-by-this-post) which is based off [this](http://twofacedjanus.tumblr.com/post/135420766633/splintmail-i-tread-with-care-in-matters-of)

Leonard gasped, sitting up with a jolt. Panting for air he realized it was his own scream that had woken him. He flailed desperately, his hand searching for the shape of Jim’s body in the dark. Leonard found his chest, warm and solid next to him.   
  
“Bones? Jesus!” Jim exclaimed, squirming and upsetting the bed.  
  
Thank god. Jim was alive.   
  
“Computer, lights!” Jim ordered. “Bones, are you okay?”  
  
Light flooded the room and Leonard stared, transfixed on Jim’s widened eyes, raking over him nervously.  
  
“You’re alive,” he said, hoarsely. His fingers held tight to Jim’s wrist, archaically checking his pulse.   
  
“Last time I checked, yeah,” Jim answered flippantly, concern still breaking through the words.   
  
“You’re alive,” Leonard repeated, stunned. “It was just a goddamn dream.”   
  
Jim pulled him into a hug, “I’m here, Bones. It’s alright, I’m still here.”  
  
Leonard held Jim tighter than was absolutely necessary, inhaling his scent, “God Jim…I’m sorry I woke you up.”   
  
“Shhh, it’s fine,” Jim insisted, rubbing Leonard’s back gently. The fell into a prolonged silence while Leonard’s breathing calmed and synced with Jim’s.   
  
“That’s the third one this week,” Jim said quietly.   
  
“I know.” 

“Want to tell me?”  
  
“It’s the same every time, kid. Nothing new to tell,” Leonard huffed, pulling back from Jim, but not letting go of his hand. “You’re really here.”   
  
“Where the hell else would I be?” Jim asked. It was clear he was trying to lighten the mood but it struck a chord with Leonard all the same.  
  
“ _Dead_. You know what the dream is, Jim. You could be dead.”   
  
“I’m not dead, and I’m going to keep _not being_ dead.”  
  
“You died,” Leonard said in a whisper, as though someone had punched the air out of his lungs.  
  
“It’s okay. I didn’t die, Bones, you made sure of that.”  
  
Jim’s tone was meant to be definite and reassuring but Leonard took it as anything but, pulling away.   
  
“ _You_ _fucking DIED_ , _Jim!_ Don’t try and tell me you didn’t. Don’t try to play it off!” Leonard was furious. Haunted by memories and fueled by guilt. That he hadn't been able to predict what Jim was going to do, that he'd let him die at all. “By the time they got you to MedBay you didn’t have a pulse. And I just had to stand there like some fucking asshole because I didn’t even _know_ what had happened to you. I unzipped that goddamn body bag and I couldn’t BREATH. I couldn’t stop scanning you with my _fucking_ tricorder because, there _had_ to be some mistake, you couldn’t be… _dead_.   
“Do you know what they told me? ‘ _He’s already gone, doctor_.’ Do you know what seeing you laying on the table did to me Jim? I died with you. So _don’t you tell me_ you didn’t.”   
  
“…Bones,” Jim said glassy-eyed and stunned into silence.   
  
Leonard hadn’t really talked about it with Jim. Sure, he knew there were nightmares, and he knew he’d come up, right against the edge of the other side, but he hadn’t known, not really.   
  
“You don’t have to say anything,” Leonard exhaled.  
  
Jim remembered the inside of the radiation chamber, pain—so much pain—and then a dark, thick fog settling over him, clouding his vision and stunting his movements, drifting back and forth between two shores, he’d felt tired. After that came the cold, the cold that crept over him so quickly it had almost felt warm, and the white noise roaring around him.   
Then, slowly the noises had become more distinct, lights and shapes slipping around him, just out of reach, a vortex puling him closer, and finally, Bones. Hovering over him, looking like it was finals week and he hadn’t slept at all. Jim remembered the look on Bones’ face when he’d realized Jim was awake, it was the same look he’d had when the worlds _I love you_ had first tumbled off Jim’s lips three years earlier: pure amazement and utter disbelief.  
  
Jim kept hearing that he’d ‘beat death,’ or that he’d ‘come back to life,’ but he’d honestly assumed they were hyperbolic, because Jim hadn’t ever _felt_ dead. People didn’t come back to life, _certainly_ not him. They’d told him he died, but it wasn’t the same as hearing it like this, hearing it from Bones.   
  
Silence settling over them, Leonard staring out the widow while Jim watched him, wondering if he would make it worse by reaching for his hand.   
  
After they’d both lost track of time, Leonard continued, “Every morning when I get up, and I see you lying there, sprawled out asleep, the first goddamn thing I do is check for your pulse and make sure you’re still breathing. I look at how beautiful you are, and think about how goddamn lucky I am. Then I pray—like a selfish bastard—that next time, I die before you, because I _can’t_ do that agin Jim. I know it’s not fair, but I can’t lose you.”   
  
“ _Hey_ ,” Jim said, taking Leonard’s hand and kissing it before holding it against his cheek, “You’re not gonna lose me.”  
  
Leonard shook his head, his words came out empty and frightened, “One day I will Jim, and I’ll swear it to god, or the devil himself, it will _kill me_ when I do.”   
  
“So we’ll go together,” Jim said decidedly.  
  
Leonard sighed, “That sounds an awful lot like playing god.”  
  
“Is that such a bad thing?” Jim asked him seriously.   
  
Leonard reached out with his free hadn’t to take Jim’s. He turned it over, tracing his palm lines for a moment before answering. “After what it got me last time, I reckon not.”  
  
“What did it get you last time?”   
  
“You.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure this has been done literally thousands of times already but I just could not put it out of my mind.
> 
>  
> 
> [Find it on tumblr](http://toboldlyknow.tumblr.com/post/135575328145/in-matters-of-life-and-death)


End file.
